Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Heaven by Alexandra Adornetto



Bethany and Xavier do the unthinkable. 

Having been to Hell and back, Bethany and Xavier can no longer bear being torn apart by inhuman forces. They marry, making their true love official and defying the laws of Heaven by sealing their mortal-celestial affair. As a result, Heaven brings forth the wrath of the Sevens, power-hungry angels who would stop at nothing to bring Bethany back home. 

Forced to blend in among other teenagers and conceal their identities, Bethany and Xavier enter college and pretend to be siblings. But the forces of Hell are at work, and danger lurks at every corner, threatening the love that Bethany and Xavier have fought so hard for.

What I liked about the book:
NOTHING.

Seriously. I can't even name one freakin' thing. 

I don't want to be so mean, but seriously. This book is an ABOMINATION. There's nothing to even like about in this book. It's a fail and even the cover killed me with its cheesiness. UGH.  

I'd go on ranting about how stupid this franchise is, but I decided that I'd just enumerate the things I abhorred while reading it. 

1. BETHANY AND XAVIER
-I have no idea if they're plain stupid or if Adornetto just made them ignorant on purpose. They marry and right after the Reaper comes and kills Father Mel, the priest who presided over their union. When Xavier starts feeling guilty that Bethany protected her from the Reaper and Father Mel died, Bethany tells them that it wasn't their fault when CLEARLY, it was. 

First, if Bethany had the nerve to fight the Reaper from getting Father Mel's soul, then Father Mel wouldn't have died. 

Second, if BETHANY AND XAVIER DIDN'T MARRY AND SCREW AROUND AND LISTENED TO THE WARNING OF THE RUMBLING EARTH WHEN XAVIER PROPOSED THEN MAYBE THINGS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN AS BAD AS IT TURNED OUT TO BE. 

OH GOD. I FORGOT. THEY WEREN'T THINKING. 

THEY JUST BASED THEIR DECISION ON THEIR IMPULSE, AND LET ME TELL YOU, THAT'S NOT HOW THINGS WORK. 

*facepalm*

Bethany is just so STUPID. If I were to queen a character for her stupidity, then I'd definitely place the crown on her pea-sized head. Her stupidity is contagious that it makes her fellow characters stupid and affects them, causing the wings of an angel and the misery of a teenage boy. SHE SUCKS. Period. She even describes her first sex with Xavier as an UNDERWATER WORLD. AN UNDERWATER WORLD. A FUCKING UNDERWATER WORLD. 

SO YOU'RE A MERMAID NOW?

GOD.

(More on that later.)

2. The cheesy cliché 'boy has special powers that makes him special like girl' 

I should've warned you guys that this was a spoiler-filled review,  but I guess it's fine because I didn't want you guys to read it anyway and waste your precious time like I did. Ha! 

So, to make everything 'EQUAL', Xavier has powers too. Yay! *fake cheers* He's an abomination of divine intervention by Ivy which doesn't do him any good especially when it comes to his insolence. 

3. The writing
SERIOUSLY, ADORNETTO.

I used to forgive you for all your purple proses and enjoyed in how you lushly described your characters, but now you've gone way too far. 

Nuh-uh-uh. *wags finger* 

AN UNDERWATER WORLD? SERIOUSLY. 

AND HOW DO YOU SUPPOSE I COULD JUST PICTURE MY FIRST SEX LIKE THAT? 

AND THEY CLAIMED THAT YOU KNEW HOW TEEN HEARTS BEAT. 

*slow clap*

MY GOD. I WANT TO DROWN YOU IN THAT UNDERWATER WORLD AND WATCH YOU FORGET HOW TO BREATHE. 

And oh, wasn't it mentioned in the first book that having a mortal can get permanently scarred in the soul when he or she has sexual intercourse with an angel? 

UGH. Tsk, tsk. Inconsistencies. 

Anyway, Alexandra Adornetto is an excessive user of figures of speech in which she makes use of them in order for her sentences to sound utterly wrong. This leaves me wondering how she climbed her way towards the New York Times Bestselling list. I mean, this book is too shallow for Chrisaake! Her plot sucks. Her writing sucks. How did the publishers even pick up this book? Are they that desperate? I'm sure a lot of undiscovered writers out there could do better than her preachy good-for-nothing novel. Ughhhh. She needs to be exterminated!! 

4. The cover 
A HEART? 

SERIOUSLY? 

THAT'S SO CHEESY AND PUKE-WORTHY.

*grabs a bucket, pukes what I ate for breakfast* 

OH GOD I CAN'T STOP LAUGHING. 

IT'S SO CHEEEESYYYYYYY 

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAJAHAJHA

SOMEONE  STOP ME FROM LAUGHING AT IT

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

5. The ending
The series was an entire flop. It's full of bigotry, double standards, cheesy romance and impulsive inconsistencies that will push you to the edge of your wits. The ending didn't make much impact at all. By the time I flipped the last page, I exhaled a sigh of relief that FINALLY the ordeal was done and Bethany's stupidity wouldn't bother me anymore. The entire story is too idealistic, and the ending was, of course, sappily happy. It's a book you could easily forget (and you could choose to forget), and it's such a shame that Feiwell and Friends wasted their precious resources on this one, not to mention the trees that lost their lives in the printing of this hideous trilogy. I feel sorry for everyone who's read this, myself included, and I wish I hadn't come across the first book on that wonderful book sale. 

Describe the book in one word: HELL
Favorite characters: No one, really. Except the dog. 
Any annoying characters?
Oh. Let me think. BETHANY. 
Favorite quote: 
Nothing really stuck to me as this finalé was too boring and too sappy. 
Rating: 0 out of 5 cupcakes 
Is it worth your money?
*huffs* Obviously... 
Is it worth your time? 
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA







NO.
Recommended for: 
>Shallow readers. Readers who enjoy reading predictable plots and annoying heroines. 
>Bigots. Racists. Teenage girls who hate on their fellow girls who steal their guys. 
>No one, really. 

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